Article
GRIEF: The word makes most people uncomfortable. No one likes to experience grief, and no one likes to watch a friend go through pain. When we see a friend suffer the anguish of losing a loved one, we instinctively want to make the situation better. We say things that we think will ease the pain, but our words can have unintended consequences. Have you ever said any of the following, thinking that your words would help?
“I understand exactly how you feel.”
No matter what kind of loss you have personally suffered, even if the circumstances seem identical, grief is a unique experience. Honor the distinctiveness of your friend’s feelings. Consider saying, “I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here to support you.”
“They’re in a better place now.”
While this may be true, you don’t want to minimize the loss your friend is feeling in the moment. Even if your friend has belief in an afterlife, losing a loved one’s bodily presence here on earth is significant, and the absence can feel profound. Instead, you might say, “I know that life will never be the same without him here.”
“Let me know how I can help.”
Grief can be all-consuming, and even the simplest tasks can feel overwhelming. Don’t put the burden on your friend to figure out what he or she needs. Instead, think of simple ways you can provide support for everyday tasks and tell your friend how you plan to help. For instance, “I’ll come over on Tuesday afternoon to wash and fold laundry.”
“At least he lived a long life.”
Regardless of how long someone lived, or how full life was, respect the gut-wrenching nature of losing a loved one. “At least” tends to minimize what your friend is feeling. Acknowledge the loss and instead say something like, “My favorite memory of him is…”
“Things will get back to normal eventually.”
After the death of a loved one, the reality is that life will never be the same again. The feelings of intense sorrow will subside, but your friend will have to adapt to a new way of life. Do not insinuate that once your friend’s current feelings change, everything will be okay. Instead, consider saying, “I’m here to help you adapt to life without him.”
When talking to a friend who is experiencing grief and loss, remember that your role is not to “fix” your friend’s feelings. By acknowledging the weight and life-altering nature of the loss, you will honor the human experience of grief and allow your friend to heal in his/her own time.
